10 Responses Against "Concern"

My initial response to those with inappropriate "concern" after a miscarriage.

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We know that care and concern were your reasons for writing; however, we were hurt by what was written. It may not have been your intention, but it made one of us feel as if you thought of us as ignorant and naive and belittled our faith. If there was any time we needed encouragement, it would be now. Instead we felt attacked and bullied by the "scare" tactics used. The only way scare tactics are going to work is on uneducated, ignorant, naive people.

Some of the following we have said before, but obviously they need to be reiterated. Some of the statements are information meant to educate. The rest of the statements are truly only our business, but since you are showing concern, we will share them with you.

1. We view children--ALL children--as blessings from the Lord. Whether we have children on this earth with us or in heaven waiting for us, they are all blessings. We are happy with how the Lord has blessed us to this point. If our nine girls is all He has for us, we are content. If He has more planned for us, then we will be content with that as well. We are not out to try to have as many children as possible. We are open to all blessings the Lord has for us. "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one's youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them; They shall not be ashamed, But shall speak with their enemies in the gate." Psalm 127:3-5

2. We have complete and utter faith that God will provide for us. If He brings us to it, He will bring us through it. He will never give us more than we can handle. "'Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things."' Matthew 6:31-34

3. We believe in allowing our bodies to work as God created them to work. He created a woman's body to "be fruitful and multiply". It is never dangerous to do something within God's will. We do not feel as if Darcy is in any danger and we have peace with what God is doing in our lives. "All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

4. Our sex life is just that--ours. It shouldn't be up for debate with anyone besides Chad, Darcy and God. When comments are made about when we have sex, how often we have sex, or how we should have sex, it is interfering with something that is to remain within the marriage. We don't go around offering "advice" to others on when they should have sex and we expect the same respect for our marriage.

5. Darcy has seen our Naturopathic doctor since discovering she was pregnant to ensure she was taking the supplements she needed. She saw her the day she started spotting and every few days thereafter. Her iron levels were being monitored and taken care of as needed.

6. Darcy did contact a medical professional to see if anything should be done after the miscarriage. She was told that unless she felt ill, the only thing that would be done is to check her iron levels and offer emotional support. Since her iron levels were already being monitored, we declined paying to have the same thing done (we were being wise stewards of our finances). Since your "concern", Darcy spoke with another medical professional who said that a doctor won't do a D&C on a woman who has had a complete miscarriage as she has.

7. Just because a woman has a miscarriage, it does not mean that her body is not capable of carrying a life or that it is a "sign" that she is to stop bearing children. Think of all the families that experienced a miscarriage on their very first pregnancy! What about Michelle Duggar who had a miscarriage after her first child and then went on to bear 18 more children without any problems. Here are some statistics about miscarriage.

• About 15 to 20 percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. Most of them occur in the first 13 weeks, or first trimester.
• For women in their 20s and early 30s, the chance of miscarriage is about 15 percent. At 35 the chance of miscarrying rises to one in four, and at 40 the miscarriage rate is close to one in three.
• Most early pregnancy losses are due to genetics and cannot be prevented. But losing a pregnancy doesn't mean that anything is wrong with a woman's health or that she can't have more children.

8. Just because a woman has a miscarriage, does not mean that "it is absolutely necessary to have a D&C" or she risks infection, get sick or even die.

• [D]octors sometimes offer women a choice of miscarriage treatment. The options are usually to wait for a natural miscarriage, have a D&C, or use medication to bring on the miscarriage bleeding.(emphasis mine)
• 80% to 90% of women with diagnosed miscarriage will miscarry within two to six weeks without complications.
• After a miscarriage, any remaining tissue may be removed by dilation and curettage (D&C). This procedure involves dilating the cervix and gently scraping the tissue from the lining of the uterus. (emphasis mine)

9. Our older girls are NOT raising our younger girls no matter what you may think. Chad and Darcy are the parents and we do not put our children in an authority role (except for Dara who is beginning to learn how to babysit just as I did when I was actually younger than her). Do they help around the house? Sure. It is called training. It is what God has called us as parents to do. We are a family and we act as a family. Christ came to serve, not be served. We are teaching our children the joy of serving others. We don't see how teaching them to be like Christ is a bad thing. "through love serve one another" Galatians 5:13 and "you shall love your neighbor as yourself" Leviticus 19:18.

10. People say, "God gave you common sense." We believe scripture when it says,

• "'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways, "says the Lord. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts."' Isaiah 55:8-9
• "There is a way that seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death." Proverbs 14:12
• "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6
• "Where is the wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the disputer of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of this world?. . . Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men. . .But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty . . . that, as it is written, "He who glories, let him glory in the Lord." 1 Corinthians 1: 20, 25, 27, 31